Trying Things I've Been Too Afraid To Do Because I'm Plus Size | Part 1
I bought tennis racquets last year and then was too afraid to actually go to the tennis court
My Backstory
I’ve lived my ENTIRE life being very aware of my weight- even when I was a child and would have been considered barely bigger than my peers. Other kids make you aware of it, and you start to agonize over every move you make for fear of being made fun of.
Even though I was interested in sports, I didn’t want to run in gym in case my body jiggled or I ran slower than everyone else. I pretended I wasn’t interested in sports or gym, because I couldn’t stand the thought of people watching my body move in any way that might have accentuated my “fatness”. Ironically I may have been able to get fit had I tried the sports I was interested in, but I was paralyzed with fear.
I was afraid if I did join a sports team that they wouldn’t have uniforms that would fit me. The same happened with drama class. I was VERY interested in drama and theater in my early years, and loved being on stage- until one production of The Wizard Of Oz where the girls were all given costumes to change into in the bathroom, and there was only ONE out of the pile that fit me- so I got that one by default without being able to choose something like the other girls did.
Eventually I stopped being interested in anything that might put me in front of any kind of an audience. When you spend your early years actually being teased and made fun of because of your weight, that sticks with you into your teens, and adulthood. It makes you want to be invisible.
I feel like the world is slowly starting to become more accepting- but in 2006, 16 year old me was still being made fun of for my weight. For my fashion choices that may have showed my weight in any way (showing my arms or legs for example), for being bigger than my friends (boys NEVER talked to me, or acknowledged my existence unless they were trying to get to one of my friends through me - because the fat nice friend can always be won over)- and all of that stuck with me.
When you’re in your 30s, your peers are usually too caught up in their own lives to care about your weight- and everyone is generally more accepting just due to life experience and growing up. Dating is another story- I haven’t really been actively trying to date since my husband and I separated, but I’ve checked out the online scene, and let’s just say it’s not easy being plus size in today’s dating world. Through my own self-love journey I’ve come to realize that I am a great person who deserves love- whether or not I ever find it is to be determined.
Finding myself again
I spent the last year getting to know myself again. I got in front of a camera again and actually let people take pictures of me instead of just taking selfies (a HUGE step for me). I’ve experimented with fashion again and started figuring out what I actually like to wear- getting rid of the idea that I have to dress a certain way so others wont be offended by my body.
You can see more of my style endeavors HERE
So, that brings us to now. I am tired of not doing the things I want to do because of my weight. I’m tired of hiding myself. I’m just tired of the FEAR that comes along with wanting to do things but worrying about being judged. I just want to do THINGS!
In this series, I’m going to explore doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, but was too afraid to do it. I started with doing a BOUDOIR shoot- which was a huge step for me.
Here are some more things on my “to do” list:
Learn to play tennis
Go to a yoga class
Wear a swimsuit on the beach without a cover-up
Go to a drop-in dance class
Wear my hair in a high pony-tail
Buy a bicycle
Go canoeing, kayaking, etc
Go down a water slide (I used to do this as a kid ALL the time)
Go for a run (if anyone has any holy grail sports bra suggestions that won’t cause me to knock myself out with my boobs as I’m running, let me know!)
Learn to roller skate
I’ll be adding more to my list as I go! If you have your own list of things you’re too afraid to do because of your weight, let me know in the comments, and let’s face our fears together!!
D